2:52am. I've been on the starting grid in practically EVERY aspect of my life for the past ten years- waiting for perfect conditions before I get going, or trying and getting nowhere. Either way, I'm still on the starting grid. I could have meandered through life, tried different careers, built up a bank of experiences, earned much needed money, tried my hand at a million different things- done that for ten years, stopped, and then moved onto my movie machinations, and still be pretty much where I am now (with that aspect of my life).. but at least I would have lived! Done something with my life! Instead of doggedly chasing one narrow path in life that doesn't seem to exist, whilst the rest of my existence on Earth suffers for it.
We live but once. I vehemently believe that. No afterlife, no heaven, no hell, nothing. This is it. My personal life is in need as much as my professional life.. but without money, without success, without the wind beneath your wings, you can't do Jack! You're a nobody and nobody gives a damn. I'm still deeply affected by the death of my friend's brother. My life is comfortable. Despite it all, I'm pretty damn happy. Frustrated, but happy. But the Earth could fall apart beneath your feet at any time! Why make plans and chase impossible dreams? Why not live each day to it's fullest? It's cliché but true. I feel I need to get out there, LIVE LIFE! Do everything I've never done (and there's a million of such things)!!
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my life! I enjoy it. I have the best Family and friends in the world!! But the truth is, I've done Jack!! I can't shake the feeling.. I'm missing out on life as I chase this dream, this ambition! Time's passing by, and who's to say things won't become even more impossible!! Right now my only limitation is money. I'm young, healthy, fit and active. I'm capable but without the means... Money. What good is money when you're an old timer who can't enjoy it?!
My friends with jobs often holiday, enjoying life, getting out there, living life to the full. Soon they'll all be married, or with kids (as most are already). I've missed out on such times, and there's only a few of such times to come... I want to join them. Enjoy the finer things in life, get out there, live. But if I want it so bad, why don't I stop chasing the impossible dream? Why don't I join the rat race? Earn money, enjoy the sweet life?
I saw a friend today, and it was good, but. Even when I do nothing (work wise), like I did today, I can't enjoy it. I can't switch off. Always the pressure on my mind that I'm behind schedule, that I should be doing something. Always on the starting grid, racing towards no where...
Sure as hell beats the morning rush hour though!
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